Every time I get pregnant, I struggle with not being able to be in control.  Most of the time it is in the form of worrying about the child that I am carrying.  Worrying that things are not ok, that something will go wrong, that at the end of this journey of carrying a child, it will end in bad news for us.  Some of that comes from my personality, I’m always prepared for the worst outcome.  But recently I decided that some of it comes from the fact that when it comes to raising/taking care of my other two kids… I’m somehow “in control”.  I make sure they eat right and get plenty of sleep, I slather on the sunscreen when we play outside and make sure they watch minimal TV.  We watch and guard them all the time and are constantly doing “what is good for them”.  And somehow in my head that has turned into “Leah, you are in control of your kids”.  And while that is partly true, it is not completely true.  Yes, God has given them to me to do the best that I can.  But I am in no way in control.  I read the following verse last week and it has stuck with me:

“…God in whose hand is your breath…”- Daniel 5:23B

I read that verse and of course I believe it, however, it does not affect me on a daily basis.  Really, do I believe that for myself and my kids to have our next breath that God needs to grant that?  Wow… when you put it that way… I can do everything “right” in the book of raising healthy/safe kids, but it is God who grants them their next breath.  It is God who is knitting this child together in my womb.  It is up to him, it is his plan and his will to do what he would like with this child’s life.  I find that to be both terrifying and freeing at the same time.  Yes I would be crushed beyond belief if God ever asked of me the things that I hold dear to my heart.  But I am reminded that it is not up to me, it is up to him.  I want this to be my heart with everything in my life, my kids, my husband, our home, cars, finances, ect.

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return.  The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”-Job 1:21

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